Wow!

It has been so long since I got on here. So much time, and so much "stuff" has gone on over the last 11 months.

I am now on step 6. What a road! I also had the privellege of starting a badly needed new meeting in our town; Tuesday night Men's Fellowship meeting! It has been a lot of fun. The camaraderie in this meeting is great. I am the literature person for the Saturday night meeting. We now have a total of six meetings in town, up from the two a week we had last year at this time!

The fellowship has grown, but there is still a need for trusted servants. GSR's are in big need. We have a lot of new comers in the meetings and the message of recovery is being clearly carried. I am blessed to be a part of the fellowship.

I have been working on sharing my spiritual relationship more clearly in my message. God has been so good to me in his love and care for me. Sharing that relationship with others is such a blessing to me. I think it is helpful to others as well.

Personally, The greatest single thing that this program has given me over the last 14 months is a relationship with my Heavenly Father through Christ Jesus his son. The steps have opened my heart and my mind to so many things in my life, good and bad.

The steps have allowed me to open up, uncover, and bring into the light of the day my deepest secrets, failures, and fears; I have had the privelidge of sharing all these things with my God, my self, and another trusted friend- my sponsor. I have let go and turned over to God the resentments that I had allowed to keep me trapped in the past, angry with the present, and fearful of the future.

Today, I can honestly say that I am free to live each day with hope for the future, forgivenes for the past, and love for the present. I am free from my secrets, and need never have another, for as long as I choose.

My life today is full! I am blessed, and tired! Difficulties still come to me. Financial, health, concern for loved ones; But at no point do I ever go through anything alone. I have my God, my friends in the program, my family, and my confidence in this new way of life- all of these carry me through without ever having to put anything in my body to medicate my emotions or my spirit.

The long and the short of it is- "this program works, if you work it"!

Thanks be to God!

Working the Steps

Well, the time has come to begin working the steps formally. I am happy to be doing it. I started on step one; because that is probably the best place to start a twelve step program, on step one. "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable". After almost 90 days clean, attending meetings regularly, getting a sponsor, taking suggestions, and reading the literature I feel like this decision is easy.

I have admitted my powerlessness over my addiction. This is not just an admission to the people in the rooms of NA as a way of introducing one's self. It is more a surrendering to the truth; admitting to my innermost self and to God what is already a reality; that there is a disease active within me. I had a hard time thinking of this thing as a disease.

To me, it was more of a personal failing, a shortcoming; a weakness of character. But the more I come to understand about the "disease of addiction", the more I realize it was alive and well in me before I ever took that first drink, smoke, or drug. It was with me as a child when I felt like I needed something more to make me "feel" normal. It was with me when I took everyday normal child hood experiences and allowed them to deeply and adversely impact my opinion of myself and my place in the world; Or, when I felt I could do things my own way in opposition to the rules, or common morality, and then really expect the rest of the world to fit into my idea how things "should be".

Anyway, Admission is surrender; complete surrender at the end of a long road that lead to total despair, hopelessness, and spiritual bankruptcy. But, that total void in my life left a huge opening for God; an opening to be filled by a ray of hope that something other than me, bigger than me, outside of me could help me. The second step was no huge leap after getting past my pride and ego in step one. "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

I'm glad that the literature does not require me to believe in anything other than the God of my own understanding. I am glad that the only requirement for this "power greater than me" is that he is loving and caring. After all, I have always believed that God must be experienced "personally", and he would have to be "loving and caring" or what good could he possible do me anyway?

I do believe that the God who created the universe and ALL that is therein does love and care for his creation, and I am a part of that creation. I do believe that he is capable of bringing sanity to the chaos I have created by my choices in this life. I do believe that he will restore me to sanity, even if sanity is something that has never been a dominant part of my decision making process. The "restoration" may simply be bringing about that which was always intended for me by God, even if never attained to by me at all. Whatever it is, it has to be better than what has been before.

Having come to this point, the next step is easy. Step 3 is to make a decision. "We decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him". Sure. Why would I not? I am convinced of the mess I have come to. I love when I hear people in the rooms say things like "my best thinking got me here"! That is so true! Seeing where my best thinking and planning and self will got me was easy to realize that I wanted a loving and caring God who is all knowing and powerful to "take it from here"!

I can honestly say that having turned my will and my life over to the care of God and praying only for "knowledge of his will for me and the power to cary it out" has made an amazing change in just about every area of my life. In no way have I been perfect; But, it is amazing the acceptance I feel of life's circumstances, the resolution to trust God's will in everything that comes, and the ability to just do "the next right thing" on a daily basis. I have felt free to be human, to be honest about how I feel, and to be more accepting of myself and those around me.

I could not have imagined my life feeling so good, so soon. This may seem like a lot of rambling; and that is OK, too. The amazing part is, I am just shy of 90 days and the change for me has been amazing.

Thanks be to God.

What are you going to do different this time?

The question implies that what was done in the past was not enough. Why else would you be doing it again? Well, for me it was true. When Steve C. from the "How It Is" men's fellowship meeting asked me this question, it made me think... and think... and think some more. I thought about it all week. So, this morning I was ready to give him an answer. My answer came to me over the last week attending several meetings, reading the literature every day, and reflecting on my past attempts and failures to stay clean.

This time I am going to do more than show up and abstain from using. This time I am surrendering to this way of life as my way of life. This time I am going to open up and share; I have not been willing to do that in the past. This time I am doing it. This time I am going to get connected; I am not going to keep these fellow addicts at an arms length; I am not going to isolate myself by how I am different from them, instead I am listening for the similarities, not for the way we are different.

Then I met an addict with my story... Coast Guard, Rehab... everything! except one major difference. After rehab he never went out. Over thirty years in the rooms, clean and sober. This guy has what I did not stick around for, and it shows. I got depressed by that. Especially when I realized what I missed out on; then what it will take for me to get there: thirty years! The terrible sinking feeling of pending failure crept in.

Stay clean for thirty years! I heard my addiction speak; "no way, you will never be able to do without for that long. You never have and you never will! Why don't you save yourself the misery of trying and go get loaded right now?"

Then, I did something I have never done. I picked up the phone and called Guy M. I knew he would want me to. He brought me home. "Just for Today"; It is not about tomorrow or the next week, or the next month, or the next year or years. Just for today.

What am I doing different? I called and got help. I listened. I did not use. I'm still here.... Just for today. Thank you, God; For today.