Working the Steps

Well, the time has come to begin working the steps formally. I am happy to be doing it. I started on step one; because that is probably the best place to start a twelve step program, on step one. "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable". After almost 90 days clean, attending meetings regularly, getting a sponsor, taking suggestions, and reading the literature I feel like this decision is easy.

I have admitted my powerlessness over my addiction. This is not just an admission to the people in the rooms of NA as a way of introducing one's self. It is more a surrendering to the truth; admitting to my innermost self and to God what is already a reality; that there is a disease active within me. I had a hard time thinking of this thing as a disease.

To me, it was more of a personal failing, a shortcoming; a weakness of character. But the more I come to understand about the "disease of addiction", the more I realize it was alive and well in me before I ever took that first drink, smoke, or drug. It was with me as a child when I felt like I needed something more to make me "feel" normal. It was with me when I took everyday normal child hood experiences and allowed them to deeply and adversely impact my opinion of myself and my place in the world; Or, when I felt I could do things my own way in opposition to the rules, or common morality, and then really expect the rest of the world to fit into my idea how things "should be".

Anyway, Admission is surrender; complete surrender at the end of a long road that lead to total despair, hopelessness, and spiritual bankruptcy. But, that total void in my life left a huge opening for God; an opening to be filled by a ray of hope that something other than me, bigger than me, outside of me could help me. The second step was no huge leap after getting past my pride and ego in step one. "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

I'm glad that the literature does not require me to believe in anything other than the God of my own understanding. I am glad that the only requirement for this "power greater than me" is that he is loving and caring. After all, I have always believed that God must be experienced "personally", and he would have to be "loving and caring" or what good could he possible do me anyway?

I do believe that the God who created the universe and ALL that is therein does love and care for his creation, and I am a part of that creation. I do believe that he is capable of bringing sanity to the chaos I have created by my choices in this life. I do believe that he will restore me to sanity, even if sanity is something that has never been a dominant part of my decision making process. The "restoration" may simply be bringing about that which was always intended for me by God, even if never attained to by me at all. Whatever it is, it has to be better than what has been before.

Having come to this point, the next step is easy. Step 3 is to make a decision. "We decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him". Sure. Why would I not? I am convinced of the mess I have come to. I love when I hear people in the rooms say things like "my best thinking got me here"! That is so true! Seeing where my best thinking and planning and self will got me was easy to realize that I wanted a loving and caring God who is all knowing and powerful to "take it from here"!

I can honestly say that having turned my will and my life over to the care of God and praying only for "knowledge of his will for me and the power to cary it out" has made an amazing change in just about every area of my life. In no way have I been perfect; But, it is amazing the acceptance I feel of life's circumstances, the resolution to trust God's will in everything that comes, and the ability to just do "the next right thing" on a daily basis. I have felt free to be human, to be honest about how I feel, and to be more accepting of myself and those around me.

I could not have imagined my life feeling so good, so soon. This may seem like a lot of rambling; and that is OK, too. The amazing part is, I am just shy of 90 days and the change for me has been amazing.

Thanks be to God.