What are you going to do different this time?

The question implies that what was done in the past was not enough. Why else would you be doing it again? Well, for me it was true. When Steve C. from the "How It Is" men's fellowship meeting asked me this question, it made me think... and think... and think some more. I thought about it all week. So, this morning I was ready to give him an answer. My answer came to me over the last week attending several meetings, reading the literature every day, and reflecting on my past attempts and failures to stay clean.

This time I am going to do more than show up and abstain from using. This time I am surrendering to this way of life as my way of life. This time I am going to open up and share; I have not been willing to do that in the past. This time I am doing it. This time I am going to get connected; I am not going to keep these fellow addicts at an arms length; I am not going to isolate myself by how I am different from them, instead I am listening for the similarities, not for the way we are different.

Then I met an addict with my story... Coast Guard, Rehab... everything! except one major difference. After rehab he never went out. Over thirty years in the rooms, clean and sober. This guy has what I did not stick around for, and it shows. I got depressed by that. Especially when I realized what I missed out on; then what it will take for me to get there: thirty years! The terrible sinking feeling of pending failure crept in.

Stay clean for thirty years! I heard my addiction speak; "no way, you will never be able to do without for that long. You never have and you never will! Why don't you save yourself the misery of trying and go get loaded right now?"

Then, I did something I have never done. I picked up the phone and called Guy M. I knew he would want me to. He brought me home. "Just for Today"; It is not about tomorrow or the next week, or the next month, or the next year or years. Just for today.

What am I doing different? I called and got help. I listened. I did not use. I'm still here.... Just for today. Thank you, God; For today.